2 years and 7 months living in Japan.
I think, I start losing myself once I live here.
Why I said so? Because, recently I lost my purpose of coming to Japan, and instead, I start to become something that is.. not me. I changed.
It might sound idealistic, but I was a nationalist. My love toward my own country was one of my nature, and I hold on with that idealistic principle for years. Maybe it's because I spent my school years in public school, not the private one. In public school, you'll meet so many type of people and from varies of social class as well. You can meet from the poorest kids (that could get into the school by subsidies by government) until the richest one in one exact same place. In public school.. everything is different.
Being in public school since elementary school made me know a lot of people.
I know one fiend who live only in a small 5 x 6 m rented house where all of the family members have to sleep together in one single small room, eat and cook in the same place.
I know one friend that eat the same meal every single day because his parents simply couldn't afford to buy more than that simple meal.
I know one of my homeroom teacher who had double job as a tukang ojek (giving motorbike ride to people) and did not ashamed with it (because somehow it is considered as a low profession in society) because what he did is simply for living and for his family.
I know one friend who simply called a 700,000 rupiah (about USD 70) bag is super cheap, while she might not know that the wage of an Indonesian teacher per month is even much less than that.
I know one friend that thinks spending her summer vacation in Europe or USA every year with her family is not a big deal.
You can see how the social gap in Indonesia is so big, and if I didn't go to public school, I might won't realize all of that, all of those differences.
My own family is not from rich family either. Yes, I admit that we have enough for now, houses, cars, private drivers, maids, etc., I know that it is because my dad worked his entire life for this. We are not that kind of family who has family business for years and generations. My grandparents didn't even own any company or enterprise. They lived in countryside and even my mother's hometown doesn't have electricity in the daylight, and I am not kidding at all. Their life is so much simple, and something such as eating western food or international food is something precious for them. We are not rich people.
Knowing the social gap in Indonesia, I always wanted to make a difference. I want to see a better Indonesia. I want to help my elementary school friends to have better life. I want to see their kids, the next generation of Indonesia to be much better than before.
That's why I came to Japan.
I said during my interview with APU, the reason why I want to study in Japan, was because I want to develop my own country so we can move on to the higher level.
Better education system, better working environment, better living, and I was determined to learn all of that by coming to Japan. Learn Japanese culture and way of thinking, then taking the good points of Japan and try to imply it in my own country. And I wished I could see Indonesia rise up and have a better future. I had this big mission to develop my beloved country.
Then, I didn't realize since when, but I start to change. I forgot about all of that big mission I was talking about, because I found out that I really love Japan. APU changed me to be better person, and it makes me want to stay in Japan even more. I became more Japanese day by day. The way I am thinking, my manner, my attitude.. everything. And I start to feel that I won't be able to work in Indonesia because of the culture gap. I am afraid I will clash a lot with Indonesian co-workers because my mind already Japanised and Indonesian working environment is so much different with Japanese one. I don't have enough confidence to make difference in Indonesia and I am sure it will irritate me a lot. All of sudden, I have no interest in working in Indonesia because I think Japanese society suits me better. But my family against my will and I fought with my mother a lot because of this. Well, her reason is simply because she doesn't me to be far away, though.
I love Japan so much and I think everyone who close with me knows this. But, even if I finally be able to speak Japanese fluently, understand their culture deeply, able to have good attitude and manner accordingly to the Japanese society unwritten rule, still, I will never be a Japanese. Still, I will forever be an Indonesian and also an outsider for Japanese society. I lost my own identity.
Suddenly I realize that this is not how it supposed to work. I don't want to work in Indonesia because I am afraid that I will clash with Indonesian people. I am afraid of culture gap. I am afraid of what might disappoint myself. In the end, I only thinking about myself. For my own benefits. For my own pride.
I came to Japan to find out how to develop my own country by taking experiences as much as possible and learn the positive ones, that was my purpose. If I work in Japan for my whole life, it's not only I have to leave my family forever, but who will make the difference in Indonesia? If every Indonesian students who study abroad start to stay in those countries and make a living, Indonesia will just stay the same.
Even though I love Japan and I honestly don't want to leave here, I still have a duty as an Indonesian out there. A promise that I made to myself when I was younger to help developing my country.
Those poor people are my friends.
Those poor families are my families.
For the sake's of my old friends.
For the sake's of my family.
For the sake's of my own country.
Well, I know it'll break me because I have to sacrifice my own dream to live in Japan, one place in the world that I love the most. But it's much better instead of seeing other people dreams' being thrown away because of people like me.
I know, you might start to realize how nationalist I am by now.
Japan has lots of great human resources, I can see it.
Japan doesn't need me for their country, Indonesia does.
It won't be easy to adjust and try to imply what I had learned from living in Japanese society for years. But instead of choosing the easy road over and over again, I'd rather to choose the struggling one. And try to believe even one small person can make a difference.
That's why I decided to do job-hunting in Japan.
Well, I'll make prioritization for those companies that can transfer me to Indonesia after several years though. Having working experience in Japanese company in Japan will give even deeper understanding of the real Japanese society, something that I couldn't get during my 4 years studying in APU. Well, I have to get permission from my mother first, though lol.
物凄く辛い道かもしれませんが、自分で決めたものなので、全力で頑張ります！
