You are Responsible With Your Own Happiness

「幸せは自分でつかむもの、自分で守るものだよ。誰かが決めるものじゃない。。」

" Your own happiness is something that you should fight for. Something that you should protect of. It's not something that other people can decide it for you..."

You know what is sucks about memories? They just pop up anytime and anywhere they want without any warnings before. Just like today, when I had my part time job in local convenient store from early morning until 3 PM. While putting some stocks and stuff, suddenly one memory about him popped out into my head. A memory from about more than six months ago, on one random night when suddenly we just ended up chatting for the whole night.

It was when I just had Skype with my Mom and my Mom just said to me about how she would never ever agree if I got a local boyfriend. As I told him about that, he told me to fight for my own happiness because we are responsible with our happiness, not others. Thinking about it now, it's kind of ironic because his word is actually that encourage the most to decide to end everything with him.

I am responsible with my own happiness that is why I walked away.

And I would never forget his other line that following afterwards.

「幸せは自分でつかむもの、自分で守るものだよ。誰かが決めるものじゃない 。それに、俺の幸せはまやにかかっています。」 

" Your own happiness is something that you should fight for. Something that you should protect of. It's not something that other people can decide it for you...  Moreover, my happiness relies on you."

 Biggest lie ever.

We Must Go Through Pain To Realise Wonderful Things

" I always wonder, why bad people in this world are not easy to recognise like in Disney movie? You know, scary, villain-look, ugly and stuff. Why sometimes we have to meet some decent-look people in the beginning and ended up hurt so bad by them. Or first we always argue or fight with someone, but then we try to make peace with them and turn out become friends in the end. It's just too complicated." - Arien Kartika Sari

To begin with, yes, I met a very-decent-look person last December, had shared laugh and smile but it was over in a splash of moment. Crying was the first thing that I cannot help myself to not to. Broken trust on people might be one of the reason why I cried so hard, when actually I started to learn how to trust people again after loosing faith on trusting people for some period of time. Or maybe some of part of me just blame myself of how I just let things happened this way. Or maybe some part of me still not believe that that person could change this bad where that person looked totally different when I first met that person. Or maybe the anger of me knowing that person just let go of me so easily without trying to hold on even once. Or maybe because I pretended that things were fine and ignore all the wrong signals that keep coming in for the past half a year. All of the mix emotion--sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal--just makes me had no power to stop the tears from falling down. It reaches into the level that I don't know if I can trust people anymore in the future, or even if I should open up again.

There was time that I thought by sleeping, everything would go back to normal when I woke up, but it never does. It's hard to wake up in the morning that things already changed permanently and I have no longer power to change it. It's just like having a real bad dream. That time, I wish just to stay in my bed and close my eyes. Not wanting to accept what just happened.

However, even though most part of myself kinda regret of meeting that person in the first place, and just wanted to go back in time and warned my young self to stay away from that person, there is still a tiny part of myself that told me that I actually didn't regret on meeting that person. For the past seven months, I thought about what I really want in a relationship. I thought about what I really want to do with my life and what kind of person I want to share the rest of my life with. I thought about how people's feeling could change easily so never put your life onto some temporary emotions. Hurts as hell, but somehow I changed in some aspect. Without I realised, I think more maturely and grew up a little.

And also, because of this, I realised that actually there are lots of people care about me. It's classic and pathetic to realise all of this after I fell down, but I have to admit it. I never thought that my busy senpai (senior) would care enough to text and called me to help me get through the whole night. I never expected my best buddy from middle school would even drew me some motivated drawing. Never expected that my best friends would lent me their shoulders to cry on once I reached Beppu. Or how many people were there just to listen to my stories calmly and support me.

For the first time, I realised how many people out there that actually care for me and I am not alone.

Just to realise that already makes me want to cry again.
I don't know how many times I thanked God that He sent me so many people who were there to help me get through this. Without them, I am not sure if I can stand up again. I might broke into pieces right now. I still have to learn how to smile and laugh again, but for now it's enough. I kind of think that actually I don't deserve all of their kindness, part of me told me that I didn't treasure them as much as I should. And now, it's one of the things that I regret the most.

Don't ever think things will last forever.
Treasure people who are around you.
When things falling apart, don't forget you are not alone.
That's what I learned through this summer.
Thank you.

Two Worlds Collide Into One

Marriage. When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I was dreaming that I would get married at age of 22, living in big house in South Jakarta (probably in Pondok Indah since that area is like my second home for me somehow), have two children and do the best parenting that any kids would ask for. It was my dream life where all I will be doing is about playing with my children and go for recreation with them. But, I just realised that when I was child, I never thought about who will be the husband. I think that's the problem.

Marriage. Now I already passed 21 years old, and being 22 years old is only about the matter of time. And I do not feel that I am even ready to get married, not even close like in my childhood dream. I never knew that 12 years later after imagining those marriage-stuff that reality is not that simple. It is not only about finding Prince Charming and happily ever after which all fairytale tried to convince us, but it is about finding the right person who shares the same value and point of view with you as you will spend the rest of your life together with that person. No.. it is about finding someone who will willing to fit into each other's world despite of differences. "Mine" and "yours" will eventually becomes "ours". All the discussion and decisions will be done by both of the parties. And to find him or her, you have to get hurt like.. a lot. 

Marriage. As witnessing my brother's love story (that will be soon get married in the end of this month!), if you are meant to be with someone, in the end you will be with him/her no matter what. They hurt each other, they fought a lot, they screamed, yelled and cried, but in the end, they do not want somebody else to replace each other. I believe they must be meant to be. Together with them, I went to buy a new bed for their new house last weekend and seeing them seriously thinking about their future together there, I cannot help but wondering if I will be able to become like them someday. But the thing I know for sure is that I am so happy for both of them.

How about myself?

Nah, I think I am still far away from the word "marriage".

Unlike in my childhood dream, I still want to be free.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I don't think I can be a good parent yet.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I even haven't really grown up.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I simply far from the word "ready".

That's all.

For the past 3 years or more, this is my first time feeling so fed up with everything here. Things that was totally okay with me, suddenly I just feel sick about it. I just want to get over everything.. and start all over, fresh and new. For the first time, I want to escape from this place.

Forever 21!

Officially 21 years old. Getting older. It's weird that since I turned 20 last year, I'd lost my excitement of celebrating my birthday. Well, still I'm delightful of getting surprises and presents, but it's not something that I would wait eagerly anymore. 

Growing up is sucks.

Happy Birthday Myself.

Fade Away Dream

"Maya, you really didn't change a bit,"

After 15 months, suddenly you showed up in front of my eyes, literally. Out of the darkness, you were there, walking towards me and it was as if those 15 months counted nothing. You were there, with your new glasses and hairstyle. You were there, with your voice that almost forgotten by me as time took place. You were there, still teasing me and love to make my hair really really messy. You were there, with your laugh and smile that I thought I'd never seen it again for the rest of my life, once I lost my faith on you. But you were there for real, after these months hoping we will meet again somewhere. All the memories played into one fast-forwarded scene once I saw you came out from the darkness for the first time. The laugh, regret, pain, tears.. all became one. Those time when I was so happy when you simply text me in the morning. The young me who kept walking in front of your classroom, pretend to go to toilet, just to see your face. Listening to songs that remind me of you for hundred times. Or those time when we skype almost everyday when you just start working at your company. For 15 months, I always dreaming that there will be one day that I can really see your face and hear your voice again in person. I'd never known that I would really meet you right before my 21st birthday, that you even prepared some present for me, even you said it's not something special at all.
But as we talked about future, I know there will never be any future for us, just from the beginning. Once I graduate from here next year, our path will never come to cross each other anymore. As you sent me back until my apartment, I looked at your silhouette in the dark, waving to me eagerly, I know our story really came to end. 

This new age will mark of me moving forward from you.
Thank you.

"I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are."

2 years and 7 months living in Japan.
I think, I start losing myself once I live here.
Why I said so? Because, recently I lost my purpose of coming to Japan, and instead, I start to become something that is.. not me. I changed.

It might sound idealistic, but I was a nationalist. My love toward my own country was one of my nature, and I hold on with that idealistic principle for years. Maybe it's because I spent my school years in public school, not the private one. In public school, you'll meet so many type of people and from varies of social class as well. You can meet from the poorest kids (that could get into the school by subsidies by government) until the richest one in one exact same place. In public school.. everything is different.

Being in public school since elementary school made me know a lot of people. 
I know one fiend who live only in a small 5 x 6 m rented house where all of the family members have to sleep together in one single small room, eat and cook in the same place.
I know one friend that eat the same meal every single day because his parents simply couldn't afford to buy more than that simple meal.
I know one of my homeroom teacher who had double job as a tukang ojek (giving motorbike ride to people) and did not ashamed with it (because somehow it is considered as a low profession in society) because what he did is simply for living and for his family.
I know one friend who simply called a 700,000 rupiah (about USD 70) bag is super cheap, while she might not know that the wage of an Indonesian teacher per month is even much less than that.
I know one friend that thinks spending her summer vacation in Europe or USA every year with her family is not a big deal.
You can see how the social gap in Indonesia is so big, and if I didn't go to public school, I might won't realize all of that, all of those differences.

My own family is not from rich family either. Yes, I admit that we have enough for now, houses, cars, private drivers, maids, etc., I know that it is because my dad worked his entire life for this. We are not that kind of family who has family business for years and generations. My grandparents didn't even own any company or enterprise. They lived in countryside and even my mother's hometown doesn't have electricity in the daylight, and I am not kidding at all. Their life is so much simple, and something such as eating western food or international food is something precious for them. We are not rich people.

Knowing the social gap in Indonesia, I always wanted to make a difference. I want to see a better Indonesia. I want to help my elementary school friends to have better life. I want to see their kids, the next generation of Indonesia to be much better than before. 

That's why I came to Japan.

I said during my interview with APU, the reason why I want to study in Japan, was because I want to develop my own country so we can move on to the higher level. 
Better education system, better working environment, better living, and I was determined to learn all of that by coming to Japan. Learn Japanese culture and way of thinking, then taking the good points of Japan and try to imply it in my own country. And I wished I could see Indonesia rise up and have a better future. I had this big mission to develop my beloved country.

Then, I didn't realize since when, but I start to change. I forgot about all of that big mission I was talking about, because I found out that I really love Japan. APU changed me to be better person, and it makes me want to stay in Japan even more. I became more Japanese day by day. The way I am thinking, my manner, my attitude.. everything. And I start to feel that I won't be able to work in Indonesia because of the culture gap. I am afraid I will clash a lot with Indonesian co-workers because my mind already Japanised and   Indonesian working environment is so much different with Japanese one. I don't have enough confidence to make difference in Indonesia and I am sure it will irritate me a lot. All of sudden, I have no interest in working in Indonesia because I think Japanese society suits me better. But my family against my will and I fought with my mother a lot because of this. Well, her reason is simply because she doesn't me to be far away, though.

I love Japan so much and I think everyone who close with me knows this. But, even if I finally be able to speak Japanese fluently, understand their culture deeply, able to have good attitude and manner accordingly to the Japanese society unwritten rule, still, I will never be a Japanese. Still, I will forever be an Indonesian and also an outsider for Japanese society. I lost my own identity.

Suddenly I realize that this is not how it supposed to work. I don't want to work in Indonesia because I am afraid that I will clash with Indonesian people. I am afraid of culture gap. I am afraid of what might disappoint myself. In the end, I only thinking about myself. For my own benefits. For my own pride.

I came to Japan to find out how to develop my own country by taking experiences as much as possible and learn the positive ones, that was my purpose. If I work in Japan for my whole life, it's not only I have to leave my family forever, but who will make the difference in Indonesia? If every Indonesian students who study abroad start to stay in those countries and make a living, Indonesia will just stay the same. 

Even though I love Japan and I honestly don't want to leave here, I still have a duty as an Indonesian out there. A promise that I made to myself when I was younger to help developing my country.
Those poor people are my friends.
Those poor families are my families. 
For the sake's of my old friends. 
For the sake's of my family.
For the sake's of my own country.
Well, I know it'll break me because I have to sacrifice my own dream to live in Japan, one place in the world that I love the most. But it's much better instead of seeing other people dreams' being thrown away because of people like me.
I know, you might start to realize how nationalist I am by now. 

Japan has lots of great human resources, I can see it.
Japan doesn't need me for their country, Indonesia does.
It won't be easy to adjust and try to imply what I had learned from living in Japanese society for years. But instead of choosing the easy road over and over again, I'd rather to choose the struggling one. And try to believe even one small person can make a difference. 

That's why I decided to do job-hunting in Japan. 

Well, I'll make prioritization for those companies that can transfer me to Indonesia after several years though. Having working experience in Japanese company in Japan will give even deeper understanding of the real Japanese society, something that I couldn't get during my 4 years studying in APU. Well, I have to get permission from my mother first, though lol. 

物凄く辛い道かもしれませんが、自分で決めたものなので、全力で頑張ります！