Two Worlds Collide Into One

Marriage. When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I was dreaming that I would get married at age of 22, living in big house in South Jakarta (probably in Pondok Indah since that area is like my second home for me somehow), have two children and do the best parenting that any kids would ask for. It was my dream life where all I will be doing is about playing with my children and go for recreation with them. But, I just realised that when I was child, I never thought about who will be the husband. I think that's the problem.

Marriage. Now I already passed 21 years old, and being 22 years old is only about the matter of time. And I do not feel that I am even ready to get married, not even close like in my childhood dream. I never knew that 12 years later after imagining those marriage-stuff that reality is not that simple. It is not only about finding Prince Charming and happily ever after which all fairytale tried to convince us, but it is about finding the right person who shares the same value and point of view with you as you will spend the rest of your life together with that person. No.. it is about finding someone who will willing to fit into each other's world despite of differences. "Mine" and "yours" will eventually becomes "ours". All the discussion and decisions will be done by both of the parties. And to find him or her, you have to get hurt like.. a lot. 

Marriage. As witnessing my brother's love story (that will be soon get married in the end of this month!), if you are meant to be with someone, in the end you will be with him/her no matter what. They hurt each other, they fought a lot, they screamed, yelled and cried, but in the end, they do not want somebody else to replace each other. I believe they must be meant to be. Together with them, I went to buy a new bed for their new house last weekend and seeing them seriously thinking about their future together there, I cannot help but wondering if I will be able to become like them someday. But the thing I know for sure is that I am so happy for both of them.

How about myself?

Nah, I think I am still far away from the word "marriage".

Unlike in my childhood dream, I still want to be free.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I don't think I can be a good parent yet.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I even haven't really grown up.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I simply far from the word "ready".

That's all.

For the past 3 years or more, this is my first time feeling so fed up with everything here. Things that was totally okay with me, suddenly I just feel sick about it. I just want to get over everything.. and start all over, fresh and new. For the first time, I want to escape from this place.

Forever 21!

Officially 21 years old. Getting older. It's weird that since I turned 20 last year, I'd lost my excitement of celebrating my birthday. Well, still I'm delightful of getting surprises and presents, but it's not something that I would wait eagerly anymore. 

Growing up is sucks.

Happy Birthday Myself.

Fade Away Dream

"Maya, you really didn't change a bit,"

After 15 months, suddenly you showed up in front of my eyes, literally. Out of the darkness, you were there, walking towards me and it was as if those 15 months counted nothing. You were there, with your new glasses and hairstyle. You were there, with your voice that almost forgotten by me as time took place. You were there, still teasing me and love to make my hair really really messy. You were there, with your laugh and smile that I thought I'd never seen it again for the rest of my life, once I lost my faith on you. But you were there for real, after these months hoping we will meet again somewhere. All the memories played into one fast-forwarded scene once I saw you came out from the darkness for the first time. The laugh, regret, pain, tears.. all became one. Those time when I was so happy when you simply text me in the morning. The young me who kept walking in front of your classroom, pretend to go to toilet, just to see your face. Listening to songs that remind me of you for hundred times. Or those time when we skype almost everyday when you just start working at your company. For 15 months, I always dreaming that there will be one day that I can really see your face and hear your voice again in person. I'd never known that I would really meet you right before my 21st birthday, that you even prepared some present for me, even you said it's not something special at all.
But as we talked about future, I know there will never be any future for us, just from the beginning. Once I graduate from here next year, our path will never come to cross each other anymore. As you sent me back until my apartment, I looked at your silhouette in the dark, waving to me eagerly, I know our story really came to end. 

This new age will mark of me moving forward from you.
Thank you.

"I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are."

2 years and 7 months living in Japan.
I think, I start losing myself once I live here.
Why I said so? Because, recently I lost my purpose of coming to Japan, and instead, I start to become something that is.. not me. I changed.

It might sound idealistic, but I was a nationalist. My love toward my own country was one of my nature, and I hold on with that idealistic principle for years. Maybe it's because I spent my school years in public school, not the private one. In public school, you'll meet so many type of people and from varies of social class as well. You can meet from the poorest kids (that could get into the school by subsidies by government) until the richest one in one exact same place. In public school.. everything is different.

Being in public school since elementary school made me know a lot of people. 
I know one fiend who live only in a small 5 x 6 m rented house where all of the family members have to sleep together in one single small room, eat and cook in the same place.
I know one friend that eat the same meal every single day because his parents simply couldn't afford to buy more than that simple meal.
I know one of my homeroom teacher who had double job as a tukang ojek (giving motorbike ride to people) and did not ashamed with it (because somehow it is considered as a low profession in society) because what he did is simply for living and for his family.
I know one friend who simply called a 700,000 rupiah (about USD 70) bag is super cheap, while she might not know that the wage of an Indonesian teacher per month is even much less than that.
I know one friend that thinks spending her summer vacation in Europe or USA every year with her family is not a big deal.
You can see how the social gap in Indonesia is so big, and if I didn't go to public school, I might won't realize all of that, all of those differences.

My own family is not from rich family either. Yes, I admit that we have enough for now, houses, cars, private drivers, maids, etc., I know that it is because my dad worked his entire life for this. We are not that kind of family who has family business for years and generations. My grandparents didn't even own any company or enterprise. They lived in countryside and even my mother's hometown doesn't have electricity in the daylight, and I am not kidding at all. Their life is so much simple, and something such as eating western food or international food is something precious for them. We are not rich people.

Knowing the social gap in Indonesia, I always wanted to make a difference. I want to see a better Indonesia. I want to help my elementary school friends to have better life. I want to see their kids, the next generation of Indonesia to be much better than before. 

That's why I came to Japan.

I said during my interview with APU, the reason why I want to study in Japan, was because I want to develop my own country so we can move on to the higher level. 
Better education system, better working environment, better living, and I was determined to learn all of that by coming to Japan. Learn Japanese culture and way of thinking, then taking the good points of Japan and try to imply it in my own country. And I wished I could see Indonesia rise up and have a better future. I had this big mission to develop my beloved country.

Then, I didn't realize since when, but I start to change. I forgot about all of that big mission I was talking about, because I found out that I really love Japan. APU changed me to be better person, and it makes me want to stay in Japan even more. I became more Japanese day by day. The way I am thinking, my manner, my attitude.. everything. And I start to feel that I won't be able to work in Indonesia because of the culture gap. I am afraid I will clash a lot with Indonesian co-workers because my mind already Japanised and   Indonesian working environment is so much different with Japanese one. I don't have enough confidence to make difference in Indonesia and I am sure it will irritate me a lot. All of sudden, I have no interest in working in Indonesia because I think Japanese society suits me better. But my family against my will and I fought with my mother a lot because of this. Well, her reason is simply because she doesn't me to be far away, though.

I love Japan so much and I think everyone who close with me knows this. But, even if I finally be able to speak Japanese fluently, understand their culture deeply, able to have good attitude and manner accordingly to the Japanese society unwritten rule, still, I will never be a Japanese. Still, I will forever be an Indonesian and also an outsider for Japanese society. I lost my own identity.

Suddenly I realize that this is not how it supposed to work. I don't want to work in Indonesia because I am afraid that I will clash with Indonesian people. I am afraid of culture gap. I am afraid of what might disappoint myself. In the end, I only thinking about myself. For my own benefits. For my own pride.

I came to Japan to find out how to develop my own country by taking experiences as much as possible and learn the positive ones, that was my purpose. If I work in Japan for my whole life, it's not only I have to leave my family forever, but who will make the difference in Indonesia? If every Indonesian students who study abroad start to stay in those countries and make a living, Indonesia will just stay the same. 

Even though I love Japan and I honestly don't want to leave here, I still have a duty as an Indonesian out there. A promise that I made to myself when I was younger to help developing my country.
Those poor people are my friends.
Those poor families are my families. 
For the sake's of my old friends. 
For the sake's of my family.
For the sake's of my own country.
Well, I know it'll break me because I have to sacrifice my own dream to live in Japan, one place in the world that I love the most. But it's much better instead of seeing other people dreams' being thrown away because of people like me.
I know, you might start to realize how nationalist I am by now. 

Japan has lots of great human resources, I can see it.
Japan doesn't need me for their country, Indonesia does.
It won't be easy to adjust and try to imply what I had learned from living in Japanese society for years. But instead of choosing the easy road over and over again, I'd rather to choose the struggling one. And try to believe even one small person can make a difference. 

That's why I decided to do job-hunting in Japan. 

Well, I'll make prioritization for those companies that can transfer me to Indonesia after several years though. Having working experience in Japanese company in Japan will give even deeper understanding of the real Japanese society, something that I couldn't get during my 4 years studying in APU. Well, I have to get permission from my mother first, though lol. 

物凄く辛い道かもしれませんが、自分で決めたものなので、全力で頑張ります！

Lesson Being Learned From the Fox

"What does that mean-- 'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."

(Source: The Little Prince)





I think I just be tamed.

素直な話としたら

遠距離恋愛。
最初にはこんな恋愛って誰でもできるじゃないかっと思ったんだよ。
お互いに同じ気持ちがしたら、何も問題ないじゃないかっと。
でも、１ヵ月以上その遠距離恋愛をしている私が遠距離ってそいう簡単な物じゃないと気づいてました。
距離。
距離。
距離。
コミュニケーション。
信頼。

一番問題になってるのはやはり距離。
会いたくても、会えない。
顔を見たくても、見られない。話し合って貰いたくても、いろいろですぐに話せない。
相手はあそこで何してるのか誰と話してるのか知らない。
貰ったニュースは本物なのか分からない。
ただ信頼しかない。
ただ強くなるしかない。
一日だけで連絡がなかったら、凄く心配になっちゃう。
大丈夫かなっと思っちゃって。
もしかして何かあったかなっと思っちゃって。ずっと不安になっちゃって。
でも、どうしようもない。
相手は凄く忙しくなって、どうしようもない。
相手は病気の時も凄く看病してあげたいのに、どうしようもない。

問題はまたあれだね。
距離。
距離。
距離。。ですね。

遠距離って物凄く辛いです。
愛情の意味が分からなくなってしまったくらい辛い。
でも、これは自分で選んだ道なので、最後まで諦めない。
。。ということですけどね。