It's More Like Losing a Friend

Life is always out of expectation. It's been almost a month since the last time I contacted him.
As I read some of my old conversations with him, there was a strange feeling came along with it.
Not raged anger of disappointment that trap me in several weeks ago.
Not even self-blaming like I felt so strongly before.
It's just a kind of feeling when you saw your old friend's photograph that you know you will never had a chance to get in touch with them anymore once you got involve in a really big ugly fight.

In the beginning, we were a really good friend. We really were.
We talked a lot and laughed over jokes a lot.
It was so easy back then, when we didn't have to care about each others' feelings yet.
Kind of feeling like you got to live in a new place and get excited all over it.
He was a very good friend for me, that I can talk anything about with.
It's not the whole fairy-tale romantic memories that I missed about him the most.
It's just our simple random chat about nonsense throughout the nights.

How could such a good friend became a stranger that we'd never even talk to each other anymore?
And how could something called love can ruin one single friendship once it get out of line?

To be honestly speaking,
I do miss talking with him. Not as his girl, but as his friend.
Because for me,
losing him is more like losing a good friend of mine.

You are Responsible With Your Own Happiness

「幸せは自分でつかむもの、自分で守るものだよ。誰かが決めるものじゃない。。」

" Your own happiness is something that you should fight for. Something that you should protect of. It's not something that other people can decide it for you..."

You know what is sucks about memories? They just pop up anytime and anywhere they want without any warnings before. Just like today, when I had my part time job in local convenient store from early morning until 3 PM. While putting some stocks and stuff, suddenly one memory about him popped out into my head. A memory from about more than six months ago, on one random night when suddenly we just ended up chatting for the whole night.

It was when I just had Skype with my Mom and my Mom just said to me about how she would never ever agree if I got a local boyfriend. As I told him about that, he told me to fight for my own happiness because we are responsible with our happiness, not others. Thinking about it now, it's kind of ironic because his word is actually that encourage the most to decide to end everything with him.

I am responsible with my own happiness that is why I walked away.

And I would never forget his other line that following afterwards.

「幸せは自分でつかむもの、自分で守るものだよ。誰かが決めるものじゃない 。それに、俺の幸せはまやにかかっています。」 

" Your own happiness is something that you should fight for. Something that you should protect of. It's not something that other people can decide it for you...  Moreover, my happiness relies on you."

 Biggest lie ever.

We Must Go Through Pain To Realise Wonderful Things

" I always wonder, why bad people in this world are not easy to recognise like in Disney movie? You know, scary, villain-look, ugly and stuff. Why sometimes we have to meet some decent-look people in the beginning and ended up hurt so bad by them. Or first we always argue or fight with someone, but then we try to make peace with them and turn out become friends in the end. It's just too complicated." - Arien Kartika Sari

To begin with, yes, I met a very-decent-look person last December, had shared laugh and smile but it was over in a splash of moment. Crying was the first thing that I cannot help myself to not to. Broken trust on people might be one of the reason why I cried so hard, when actually I started to learn how to trust people again after loosing faith on trusting people for some period of time. Or maybe some of part of me just blame myself of how I just let things happened this way. Or maybe some part of me still not believe that that person could change this bad where that person looked totally different when I first met that person. Or maybe the anger of me knowing that person just let go of me so easily without trying to hold on even once. Or maybe because I pretended that things were fine and ignore all the wrong signals that keep coming in for the past half a year. All of the mix emotion--sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal--just makes me had no power to stop the tears from falling down. It reaches into the level that I don't know if I can trust people anymore in the future, or even if I should open up again.

There was time that I thought by sleeping, everything would go back to normal when I woke up, but it never does. It's hard to wake up in the morning that things already changed permanently and I have no longer power to change it. It's just like having a real bad dream. That time, I wish just to stay in my bed and close my eyes. Not wanting to accept what just happened.

However, even though most part of myself kinda regret of meeting that person in the first place, and just wanted to go back in time and warned my young self to stay away from that person, there is still a tiny part of myself that told me that I actually didn't regret on meeting that person. For the past seven months, I thought about what I really want in a relationship. I thought about what I really want to do with my life and what kind of person I want to share the rest of my life with. I thought about how people's feeling could change easily so never put your life onto some temporary emotions. Hurts as hell, but somehow I changed in some aspect. Without I realised, I think more maturely and grew up a little.

And also, because of this, I realised that actually there are lots of people care about me. It's classic and pathetic to realise all of this after I fell down, but I have to admit it. I never thought that my busy senpai (senior) would care enough to text and called me to help me get through the whole night. I never expected my best buddy from middle school would even drew me some motivated drawing. Never expected that my best friends would lent me their shoulders to cry on once I reached Beppu. Or how many people were there just to listen to my stories calmly and support me.

For the first time, I realised how many people out there that actually care for me and I am not alone.

Just to realise that already makes me want to cry again.
I don't know how many times I thanked God that He sent me so many people who were there to help me get through this. Without them, I am not sure if I can stand up again. I might broke into pieces right now. I still have to learn how to smile and laugh again, but for now it's enough. I kind of think that actually I don't deserve all of their kindness, part of me told me that I didn't treasure them as much as I should. And now, it's one of the things that I regret the most.

Don't ever think things will last forever.
Treasure people who are around you.
When things falling apart, don't forget you are not alone.
That's what I learned through this summer.
Thank you.

Two Worlds Collide Into One

Marriage. When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I was dreaming that I would get married at age of 22, living in big house in South Jakarta (probably in Pondok Indah since that area is like my second home for me somehow), have two children and do the best parenting that any kids would ask for. It was my dream life where all I will be doing is about playing with my children and go for recreation with them. But, I just realised that when I was child, I never thought about who will be the husband. I think that's the problem.

Marriage. Now I already passed 21 years old, and being 22 years old is only about the matter of time. And I do not feel that I am even ready to get married, not even close like in my childhood dream. I never knew that 12 years later after imagining those marriage-stuff that reality is not that simple. It is not only about finding Prince Charming and happily ever after which all fairytale tried to convince us, but it is about finding the right person who shares the same value and point of view with you as you will spend the rest of your life together with that person. No.. it is about finding someone who will willing to fit into each other's world despite of differences. "Mine" and "yours" will eventually becomes "ours". All the discussion and decisions will be done by both of the parties. And to find him or her, you have to get hurt like.. a lot. 

Marriage. As witnessing my brother's love story (that will be soon get married in the end of this month!), if you are meant to be with someone, in the end you will be with him/her no matter what. They hurt each other, they fought a lot, they screamed, yelled and cried, but in the end, they do not want somebody else to replace each other. I believe they must be meant to be. Together with them, I went to buy a new bed for their new house last weekend and seeing them seriously thinking about their future together there, I cannot help but wondering if I will be able to become like them someday. But the thing I know for sure is that I am so happy for both of them.

How about myself?

Nah, I think I am still far away from the word "marriage".

Unlike in my childhood dream, I still want to be free.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I don't think I can be a good parent yet.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I even haven't really grown up.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I simply far from the word "ready".

That's all.

For the past 3 years or more, this is my first time feeling so fed up with everything here. Things that was totally okay with me, suddenly I just feel sick about it. I just want to get over everything.. and start all over, fresh and new. For the first time, I want to escape from this place.

Forever 21!

Officially 21 years old. Getting older. It's weird that since I turned 20 last year, I'd lost my excitement of celebrating my birthday. Well, still I'm delightful of getting surprises and presents, but it's not something that I would wait eagerly anymore. 

Growing up is sucks.

Happy Birthday Myself.

Fade Away Dream

"Maya, you really didn't change a bit,"

After 15 months, suddenly you showed up in front of my eyes, literally. Out of the darkness, you were there, walking towards me and it was as if those 15 months counted nothing. You were there, with your new glasses and hairstyle. You were there, with your voice that almost forgotten by me as time took place. You were there, still teasing me and love to make my hair really really messy. You were there, with your laugh and smile that I thought I'd never seen it again for the rest of my life, once I lost my faith on you. But you were there for real, after these months hoping we will meet again somewhere. All the memories played into one fast-forwarded scene once I saw you came out from the darkness for the first time. The laugh, regret, pain, tears.. all became one. Those time when I was so happy when you simply text me in the morning. The young me who kept walking in front of your classroom, pretend to go to toilet, just to see your face. Listening to songs that remind me of you for hundred times. Or those time when we skype almost everyday when you just start working at your company. For 15 months, I always dreaming that there will be one day that I can really see your face and hear your voice again in person. I'd never known that I would really meet you right before my 21st birthday, that you even prepared some present for me, even you said it's not something special at all.
But as we talked about future, I know there will never be any future for us, just from the beginning. Once I graduate from here next year, our path will never come to cross each other anymore. As you sent me back until my apartment, I looked at your silhouette in the dark, waving to me eagerly, I know our story really came to end. 

This new age will mark of me moving forward from you.
Thank you.