Thanks A Lot 2013!

Finally finally finally!! Finally I got steady internet connection to post some blogpost again after years and months... no, I just exaggerating. Oh my God, this is even better than any Christmas presents that finally I can catch up with the latest news in my life and write again in my own blog =)

But by the way, 2013 is over. And you know what, I never thought that this year would turn out to be one of the greatest year (so far) in my life. It's just so many things happened in twelve months and somehow made me grow to some extent. Here's some highlights about them :D

1. January: The Beginning of the Year

Coming-On-Age Ceremony with Indonesian

The Coming-On-Age Ceremony

My first Hatsumode

I remember I went for Hatsumode (first visit to Japanese shrine during New Year) for the first time in my life. Well, basically what we do is just we go to the nearest shrine (and the nearest for mine is about 30-minutes walk from Beppu station or 5-minutes drive by car). You guess it right, I don't own a car, so  me and two of my Japanese friends walked together until there. It was so crowded and people pray in front of the shrine. Throwing a 5-yen coin and pray to their God about their wishes. Also, they can write down their wishes into a wooden plate and hanging it on the shrine wall. For me, I took fortune teller and got 大吉（dai-kichi）or very lucky!

In January, I also had my coming-on-age ceremony or 成人式 (seijin-shiki). It's a ceremony for all grown-up in Japan (the age you are considered of being a grown-up is 20 in Japan) so you are kind of celebrated for being an adult. My sharemate rent a proper kimono but because I didn't have enough money to rent one (it is very very expensive, FYI) so I just wear my own country traditional clothes lol

Because of that, I remember being interviewed by local TV. Kind of weird having such a ceremony, especially in here, it turn out to be a moment to have reunion with your childhood friends, it's quite nice to have such an experience.

2. February: Run For Your Life, Run For Your Love

First Internship Experience

Yes, I got my very first internship experience! It's actually only a 2-weeks short experience where the main job was only doing some administration work such as copying, printing, typing, preparing tea for visitors, etc. But as I got my first job in Japanese flower arrangement company, I got a chance to learnt Ikebana (Japanese flower arrangement) for about 4 times, went to annual flower design exhibition, had first-hand experience about how to publish magazine, in-store experience where we got chance to sell ikebana equipment, had a Japanese shrine next to the office and stay in Kyoto, the heart of Japanese Traditional soul for two weeks for free! It was just awesome!

And I should admit, in this month, I started my first serious relationship (omg I really hope none of my family would ever ever read this blog!) with a local. It was really difficult for me to accept him at first, there was nothing in common between us, and falling for him was totally out of my plan. The only thing that made me finally accept him was the fact that I started to smile more and be more honest with my feeling after I met him. For the first time, I don't care about his appearance or how he dress, I just care about him as a human being. It's just a feeling like I feel I could rely on someone when I need to and as I started to get to know him, I just wanted to stay by his side and keep supporting him no matter how hard things will get. I had no expectation of him, as starting this relationship was out of my plan. So we started to have LDR or Long Distance Relationship.

3. March: Being a FLAG (Fellow Advisory Staff)

FLAG Spring 2013 Member

Finished the internship, FLAG activities awaits. Actually FLAG is an organisation in my campus where they are selected and trained to be able to conduct various orientation for the up-coming new students. I was selected to be a vice-president of Event Team, where I was mainly in charge of making a five-days continuous event called "Welcome Cafe" where the new students could have talk with senior students about the new campus life and stuff and also have cultural exhibition while enjoying some snacks that we prepared beforehand to be able to grasp the atmosphere of being in a "cafe". I learnt a lot from this experienced that actually I messed up the whole first day because of my incapability to bring everyone together and work in team. I burst into tears in front of everyone and I couldn't stop from sobbing for about an hour. I was really frustrated by myself and couldn't stand seeing the whole plan were ripped into pieces.

4. April: Redecorate My Bedroom

After some events, finally I had my bedroom redecorated! Me and my sharemate also redecorated our apartment such as bought a new dinner table, kitchen table and also I bought a new bicycle! Suddenly I feel more ready living in downtown :D

5. May: Have My First Income

So I was there, having my usual Career Japanese class when I looked around me and saw my classmate are so good in Japanese and they can distinguish and use Keigo or Honorific term of Japanese. And with my curiosity of never having a real part-time job outside the school (feel enough with having part time job doing some local exchange), this time I want to have a real part-time job. A real one that could practice my Keigo. The real one that could give me extra income. The real one like the one that Ashley Tisdale has in The Suite Life of Zack and Cody on Disney Channel.

I remember that night, after having a boring part-time job as a receptionist for the whole 8 hours, I walked into Lawson, a convenient store nearby my apartment and asked to the store manager directly whether they need a part-timer. And suddenly I got the job in my hand! But, having this job is not easy at all... trust me.

6. June: Birthday and Challenge Program

My 21st Birthday

Business Challenge Program

Okay, to be begin with, this month was my 21st birthday. Actually I was quite busy with stuff that I don't really care about my birthday. But seems the God of drama does not let me to have my birthday passed as usual that suddenly someone came right the night before my birthday. He was from my past and we hadn't met each other for more than one year long. I actually never thought that I would ever met him again in person in my life since he left. But suddenly there he was, in front of me, on the night of my birthday, wishing me a belated birthday and even prepared me some birthday present that really left me speechless. FYI, he doesn't even live in Japan if you know what I mean.

And I had myself joining a business challenge program with students from Tokyo University, Waseda University, Keio University, all of those Japanese Top Universities. The result from this program? I wanted to cry. I felt so dumb because the topic was quite difficult and the language barrier made me feel that I was the stupidest person in the room and my team member wasn't helping at all. Well, at least it made me realised of how much preparation that I should do (including Japanese skill and awareness of the latest news) if I really want to do job-hunting in Japan.

7. July: Thai Week 2013

Thai Traditional Dance

I joined Thai Week this year (finally!) and had a chance to learn Thai Traditional Dance which is really similar with Indonesian Traditional Dance. The thing is, Indonesian dance has more complicated movement comparing to theirs. But it was quite interesting to learn their dance and actually I got some close friend after joining this grand show =D


8. August: Brother's Wedding and Sydney Trip!

Brother's Wedding

Harbour Bridge, Sydney, Australia

My brother got married this summer! Finally, after going out with his girlfriend for about seven years and went through some ups and downs, finally oh finally they got married! The wedding itself was sooo tiring, even for me. We had some ceremonies and talk about the visitors, there were like thousands! And I am not exaggerating this time. So glad everything was finished after three days.

And I went to Sydney! My first Aussie experience in my life! Well, it should have been my brother's and his new wife honeymoon place, but because of some reason they couldn't go so in the end, only me, my brother's wife's siblings who went there and enjoy the sightseeing. Even though some happenings did happen, it was so excited and fun exploring new place beside Asia, I would say.

9. September: Tokyo-Hiroshima Trip and the Fairy Tales Ended

Going back to Japan, I went through Tokyo, not Fukuoka as usual. I used my Dad's mileage to get free airplane ticket. The only reason I decided to go through Tokyo that I need to meet him. That person that I hadn't met for about seven months and I could see both of us were falling apart. Something wrong with our relationship when I pretended everything was totally fine these months. I came there to save any last pieces that I could save from burning but it seems it was too late. Nothing I can do even when I came there. It might be my fault that be too furious towards our relationship. It might be his fault of not making any effort to win me back. But in the end, it was both of our fault for not understanding each other enough and blame each other rather than try to make up things. We just hurt each other too bad.

I couldn't stop myself from crying on my way back home. I never cried that much in my whole life. I remember sitting at the train in JR Yamanote Line from Shinjuku Station back to Shinjuku Station through Tokyo Station and it took about one hour. I didn't care anymore about crying at public, all I want to do was to ease the pain that I felt for months. I tried to be normal when I met my friend in Hiroshima and enjoyed eating and sightseeing around. The hardest part was arriving back at Beppu, where all the memories were just here.

10. October: First Concert!

Ikimonogakari Fukuoka Concert, 2013

Then the new semester as a 4th year student started! OMG cannot believe it was so fast! And the highlight of this month was my first concert in Fukuoka! I was so excited because I never gone to any concert in my whole life. Together with my share mate, we went to Fukuoka and watched Ikimonogakari concert together. It was quite awesome! And I am dying to watch Taylor Swift Concert right now lol

11. November: Miyazaki Trip

Travel alone to Miyazaki Prefecture

For this month, I went to Miyazaki Prefecture. With this, I went to all prefectures in Kyushu Island. Finally! LOL The very first moment I arrived here, I fell in love with Miyazaki. The sea and scenery reminds me a lot with Florida that made me think of my family and my childhood memory a lot. It made me want to go back to Florida with my family. Because I went there alone, I had a good chance to think about my future as well as the job-hunting get nearer and nearer these days.

In this month, I met one guy from SONY that also made me questioned myself whether I should really get a job in Japan or not. As I want to work in Japan to have experience, for him, my reason sounds irrational for him and I'd just waste of my time if I choose to work in Japan. Well, I got mad at him and just ignore what he said afterwards. But, deep down inside, I got mad at him because I know he is actually right. He just blurt out something that I don't want to admit. And when he asked the question, I couldn't answer. Simply to say, I lost my purpose to work in Japan. I don't know why I want to do job hunting in Japan now. Especially after I broke up with my ex. I mean, I could say that one of the main reason of us breaking up was because of his work. Others might think he cheated on me, but I strongly believe that actually busyness that made us apart. Busyness and his work changed his feeling. And I don't want to lose myself as well once I start getting job here. Also, my family against it so bad. I would never dare to work for long-term here for my family sake. But, if I only work for short-term, why should I get a job in Japan in the first place? I don't even dare to have dream now, because anything that I dream of, always against my family. That make me question myself even more: Whose life I am living now?


12. December: Job Hunting Started!

Job Hunting Mode

Winter Vacation: Taking photo with deers in Nara, Japan

Being Santa Clause in Lawson

So finally it's December and all I do is going around Company Seminar and Job Fair while wearing suit. It might look cool for the first few days but I felt sick already with it. Especially during winter, OMG I started hate winter because of that. And I went to Nara with my friends and successfully took one picture with deers! Other than that just being Santa Clause in Lawson as part-timer.


In the end, I think I grew a lot throughout this year. I shed so many tears this year. Moreover I started to think about my life more. What kind of value I actually have? What kind of person I actually am? What kind of life I want to live in? What kind of person I want to spend my rest of life with? For who I am living my life now? What is my purpose of life? Those questions are the questions that I don't think can be answer immediately. Because people are change. The environment change. People's perspective change. And that's just part of our life.

Happy New Year 2014!

Movie That Influenced Me

It was just yesterday when I had a chat about life with one employee from SONY Corp. who came to my university to learn English for two months. He told me his life when he was young and regret it so much. He didn't really think about his future back then, and he really want to make sure that nowadays young people consider about the future more. Life is not all about playing in the playground, he said.

The turning point for him that made him consider about life more was when his fiancé (now his wife though) recommended him "The Bucket List" movie. Since then, he always plan ahead his life and eager to have other young people to follow his step.

Think about it now, until I got into APU and moved to Japan, I was a quite movie and drama freak. I watched so many movies and Japanese drama that I cannot recall all the titles anymore. I guess it's about more than 50 titles though. Anyway, I remember there was one Japanese drama that influenced me a lot.

The title is 14 Years Old Mother (14歳の母).
It was a story about a 2nd year middle school girl that apparently only 14 years old and really energetic and wanted to become a famous DJ Radio, accidentally got pregnant with his boyfriend. Her youth finished. She wanted to keep the baby so she couldn't continue her study and cannot go for her dream anymore. And the baby's father had to drop out from school and worked in such a young age.

Well, it's not about the storyline that encourage me to have a baby in such a young age or anything like that, but how the main character stay so strong despite everyone starts to look down at her. It was her decision to keep the baby and she took all the risks and consequences. She knew what kind of road she will go through, how much pain she will suffer from, but she keep going on, stay positive, not complaining nor crying at all.

I watched this drama when I was in my last year of high school and at the time I decided to go to Japan for studying, I also decided that I will stay strong no matter what happen with me for the next four years. No matter how hard life will be, no matter how frustrating the people I'll meet, no matter how much I have to break down, I promised myself that I have to get up by myself. I promised myself to stay strong as much as I can.

Before deciding to go to Japan, I keep telling myself all the consequences and risks I'll face if I decided to land my foot on this country. No family around, no best friends, the language and society I haven't known yet, the school life hardship... everything. That's why, since I came to Japan, I tried my best not to complain in any single things. Well, I do complain, but I tried my best not to complain so often.

Because for me, I was the one who decide to leave the country, so I have to face the consequences. I left my mother who cried over me whenever I forgot to call due to my crazy schedule in order to live in my childhood dream. If I complain over things, was not it kind of greedy? I got what I wanted for so long and it must be very arrogant of me if I keep complaining about the hardship. Many people in Indonesia might never get a chance to get what I experienced here for the last 3 years. So I keep remind myself to keep enjoying every single thing I do while I am still here, no matter how hard it is living in Japanese society. Just enjoy the hardship, I guess?

So what do I usually do when things get hard? Take a rest, take a break. Write it down and throw it away. Sleep more and eat myself up. Change my mind and see the problem from other perspective. If it's too hard to handle, cry it over and let go of the frustration.  It usually work for me. But, I always try my best to never let it slip out of my mouth. And staying strong was never easy for me.

You know what, I kind of have this urge to go to Tokyo to meet the producer or director of this drama. Thank them in person to change my perspective of life and becoming one of the reason that let me stay strong all this time. Well, I cannot decide whether I do really stay strong or not, though. But I always try.

Haven't watched this drama yet? I recommend you to watch it :)

What the Young Me Teaches Me

I guess getting lost in my life become my current job recently.

And suddenly I found my old blogpost that I wrote when I was 17 years old.

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I Wanna Be - August 5th, 2009

"“What do you wanna be when you grown up?”

“Doctor!”
“President!”
“Pilot!”
“Lawyer!”
“Teacher!”

I guess all of you is familiar with this kind of conversation. I bet you are already asked about this million time, no.. zillion time. Everybody asked the question since we were kid. And what was our answer back then?

I used to wanna be a doctor. Then, I changed it, I wanna be an astronomer. And then, when I went to junior high, I wanna be a novelist. Then in high school I wanna be a movie director. The problem is, now I’m in my senior year of high school. I’ll go to college next year, and.. I still confused about my major!

When we’re kid, it was so much fun. It was so easy. We can be anything we wanna be. As we all grown up, there were more questions come to our head, made us confuse about our own future. I wanna be a novelist, but then my brother told me : ‘the percentage of novelist that end up rich like JK. Rowling is so small. do you really want to take English Literature?’ then, I was confused.
Then, when I said I wanna take major something about design or languages or multimedia, my dad came and said : ‘pick a job that can produce money, not the one that waste money,’

Today, I just chatted with my old friends. I ask him what he wanna be and what major he would take next year. I thought he wanna be a doctor from a long time ago and would take major that related to it since he’s smart. I admitted, I was surprise to hear his choice. He wants to work in mining. Because, being a doctor does not have a good prospect anymore. For me, it means, mining will give you a lot of money (because everybody need it, especially oil) while being doctor will give it too but after a long years.

Okay, then I wanna scream out loud. Should everything has to related to money? I mean, yes, I need it. I am not saying I can live without money because I know that I can’t. But, come on, am I the only person that think money is not everything?

I don’t blame my friend for his choice. It really up to him. It’s not my business anyway.
I heard someone said to me, ‘Why don’t you be a doctor? You can raise money faster than other job, because everybody need doctor,’

Yes, logically, I think that’s right. But, why is the reason of being a doctor have to related to money again? I mean, is there somebody who will say that she/he wants to be a doctor because she/he wants to save people’s life? To save people from death? To save them and heal them because we all are relative and our job is helping each other from suffer? Is there?

J-O-B. A bunch of people of age 22-55 years old who go to work every Monday-Friday wearing suit for men and blazer for women and bringing varies of documents from 8 am ’till 4 pm.

That’s the definition of word ‘job’ for me. And for me, a good job means something you wanna do, something you love to do. Not something that we have to do because it will give us a big amount of salary. Not something like that at all. Am I too naive or what? I wanna have a job about something I love to do. Like when we were kids. We said out loud what we wanna be. There’s no thought about.. about anything.

Well, up until now, I don’t know what job should I take. At least, what major should I take next year. Seriously, I feel so uneasy about this.What’s wrong for being a novelist and  that’s because you love to write? What’s wrong for being a movie director because you love the process of making? What’s wrong being an astronomer because you love studying about stars, planets and galaxy? Are those job is something you can laugh at, gaping at, or saying ‘will you success just by doing that?’? I don’t get it.

I think I lost my way. I don’t know what to do, or what I wanna be. As a human being, I want to have a job that can help others too, sincerely. Sigh."

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Is it me or the young me seems more honest?

And since when we start to get out of word whenever people ask about our dream?

It's More Like Losing a Friend

Life is always out of expectation. It's been almost a month since the last time I contacted him.
As I read some of my old conversations with him, there was a strange feeling came along with it.
Not raged anger of disappointment that trap me in several weeks ago.
Not even self-blaming like I felt so strongly before.
It's just a kind of feeling when you saw your old friend's photograph that you know you will never had a chance to get in touch with them anymore once you got involve in a really big ugly fight.

In the beginning, we were a really good friend. We really were.
We talked a lot and laughed over jokes a lot.
It was so easy back then, when we didn't have to care about each others' feelings yet.
Kind of feeling like you got to live in a new place and get excited all over it.
He was a very good friend for me, that I can talk anything about with.
It's not the whole fairy-tale romantic memories that I missed about him the most.
It's just our simple random chat about nonsense throughout the nights.

How could such a good friend became a stranger that we'd never even talk to each other anymore?
And how could something called love can ruin one single friendship once it get out of line?

To be honestly speaking,
I do miss talking with him. Not as his girl, but as his friend.
Because for me,
losing him is more like losing a good friend of mine.

You are Responsible With Your Own Happiness

「幸せは自分でつかむもの、自分で守るものだよ。誰かが決めるものじゃない。。」

" Your own happiness is something that you should fight for. Something that you should protect of. It's not something that other people can decide it for you..."

You know what is sucks about memories? They just pop up anytime and anywhere they want without any warnings before. Just like today, when I had my part time job in local convenient store from early morning until 3 PM. While putting some stocks and stuff, suddenly one memory about him popped out into my head. A memory from about more than six months ago, on one random night when suddenly we just ended up chatting for the whole night.

It was when I just had Skype with my Mom and my Mom just said to me about how she would never ever agree if I got a local boyfriend. As I told him about that, he told me to fight for my own happiness because we are responsible with our happiness, not others. Thinking about it now, it's kind of ironic because his word is actually that encourage the most to decide to end everything with him.

I am responsible with my own happiness that is why I walked away.

And I would never forget his other line that following afterwards.

「幸せは自分でつかむもの、自分で守るものだよ。誰かが決めるものじゃない 。それに、俺の幸せはまやにかかっています。」 

" Your own happiness is something that you should fight for. Something that you should protect of. It's not something that other people can decide it for you...  Moreover, my happiness relies on you."

 Biggest lie ever.

We Must Go Through Pain To Realise Wonderful Things

" I always wonder, why bad people in this world are not easy to recognise like in Disney movie? You know, scary, villain-look, ugly and stuff. Why sometimes we have to meet some decent-look people in the beginning and ended up hurt so bad by them. Or first we always argue or fight with someone, but then we try to make peace with them and turn out become friends in the end. It's just too complicated." - Arien Kartika Sari

To begin with, yes, I met a very-decent-look person last December, had shared laugh and smile but it was over in a splash of moment. Crying was the first thing that I cannot help myself to not to. Broken trust on people might be one of the reason why I cried so hard, when actually I started to learn how to trust people again after loosing faith on trusting people for some period of time. Or maybe some of part of me just blame myself of how I just let things happened this way. Or maybe some part of me still not believe that that person could change this bad where that person looked totally different when I first met that person. Or maybe the anger of me knowing that person just let go of me so easily without trying to hold on even once. Or maybe because I pretended that things were fine and ignore all the wrong signals that keep coming in for the past half a year. All of the mix emotion--sadness, anger, frustration, betrayal--just makes me had no power to stop the tears from falling down. It reaches into the level that I don't know if I can trust people anymore in the future, or even if I should open up again.

There was time that I thought by sleeping, everything would go back to normal when I woke up, but it never does. It's hard to wake up in the morning that things already changed permanently and I have no longer power to change it. It's just like having a real bad dream. That time, I wish just to stay in my bed and close my eyes. Not wanting to accept what just happened.

However, even though most part of myself kinda regret of meeting that person in the first place, and just wanted to go back in time and warned my young self to stay away from that person, there is still a tiny part of myself that told me that I actually didn't regret on meeting that person. For the past seven months, I thought about what I really want in a relationship. I thought about what I really want to do with my life and what kind of person I want to share the rest of my life with. I thought about how people's feeling could change easily so never put your life onto some temporary emotions. Hurts as hell, but somehow I changed in some aspect. Without I realised, I think more maturely and grew up a little.

And also, because of this, I realised that actually there are lots of people care about me. It's classic and pathetic to realise all of this after I fell down, but I have to admit it. I never thought that my busy senpai (senior) would care enough to text and called me to help me get through the whole night. I never expected my best buddy from middle school would even drew me some motivated drawing. Never expected that my best friends would lent me their shoulders to cry on once I reached Beppu. Or how many people were there just to listen to my stories calmly and support me.

For the first time, I realised how many people out there that actually care for me and I am not alone.

Just to realise that already makes me want to cry again.
I don't know how many times I thanked God that He sent me so many people who were there to help me get through this. Without them, I am not sure if I can stand up again. I might broke into pieces right now. I still have to learn how to smile and laugh again, but for now it's enough. I kind of think that actually I don't deserve all of their kindness, part of me told me that I didn't treasure them as much as I should. And now, it's one of the things that I regret the most.

Don't ever think things will last forever.
Treasure people who are around you.
When things falling apart, don't forget you are not alone.
That's what I learned through this summer.
Thank you.

Two Worlds Collide Into One

Marriage. When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I was dreaming that I would get married at age of 22, living in big house in South Jakarta (probably in Pondok Indah since that area is like my second home for me somehow), have two children and do the best parenting that any kids would ask for. It was my dream life where all I will be doing is about playing with my children and go for recreation with them. But, I just realised that when I was child, I never thought about who will be the husband. I think that's the problem.

Marriage. Now I already passed 21 years old, and being 22 years old is only about the matter of time. And I do not feel that I am even ready to get married, not even close like in my childhood dream. I never knew that 12 years later after imagining those marriage-stuff that reality is not that simple. It is not only about finding Prince Charming and happily ever after which all fairytale tried to convince us, but it is about finding the right person who shares the same value and point of view with you as you will spend the rest of your life together with that person. No.. it is about finding someone who will willing to fit into each other's world despite of differences. "Mine" and "yours" will eventually becomes "ours". All the discussion and decisions will be done by both of the parties. And to find him or her, you have to get hurt like.. a lot. 

Marriage. As witnessing my brother's love story (that will be soon get married in the end of this month!), if you are meant to be with someone, in the end you will be with him/her no matter what. They hurt each other, they fought a lot, they screamed, yelled and cried, but in the end, they do not want somebody else to replace each other. I believe they must be meant to be. Together with them, I went to buy a new bed for their new house last weekend and seeing them seriously thinking about their future together there, I cannot help but wondering if I will be able to become like them someday. But the thing I know for sure is that I am so happy for both of them.

How about myself?

Nah, I think I am still far away from the word "marriage".

Unlike in my childhood dream, I still want to be free.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I don't think I can be a good parent yet.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I even haven't really grown up.
Unlike in my childhood dream, I simply far from the word "ready".

That's all.