Random Thoughts About My Dream

Being sick during new year holiday has no real fun at all. Beside having all your body aching, itchy and unpleasant at all, once you have your Facebook logged in, all you see is your friends photos being uploaded while playing with snow, skiing, going to cinema, eating at good restaurant, having fun... seriously, it's suck. While you have to be patience staying at home, eat healthy food, take your medicine and basically do nothing. And the internet connection doesn't help at all.

But actually I also glad I am sick. I can take that rest that I've been longing for. The real rest where you have an excuse to stop worrying about all things happen to you recently. All the pressure from my unprogressive thesis, job hunting, my own financial crisis, etc. For the moment, I had a chance to forget all about it and just relax and watch TV from my cellphone every single day. And also, as usual I think about a lot of things.

Being sick actually let me to write more. Not only in this blog but literally everywhere. On my iPhone Notes, my notebook, on the back of my medicine prescription, on random piece of paper I found near my bad.. just anywhere. And I realise for one more time, I just want to write. I always want to write. Since I was little, that's the only job I've been thought about. Well, I used to dream being a doctor as well, but it was another story. Well, I don't know if my writing is good, whether my grammar is correct, but since the first time I wrote that short story on my 3rd grade of elementary school, I know my passion would be always related about writing. I just want to write, write, write about anything.

I always wanted to write my own book, publish it and work in publishing industry. That's why I chose English Literature as my major when I was about to choose my university back then. But I was confused back then, publishing industry was not a promising industry in Indonesia and I remember that time, whenever I told someone else that I want to work in publishing industry and become a writer, even my own brother would make a face and said "Why would you go for it?"

I applied for 5 universities that time, 2 universities majoring in English Literature, 2 universities majoring in Business Management, and 1 universities majoring in Film/Animation Studies (and I kept this one secret from my mother, I told her I got accepted in Media Studies). Luckily I got accepted to all of them, but in the end I chose my current university because I wanted to study in Japan so bad. Even though I don't really keen learning business management, I thought someday it would be useful for my future so I gave it a try. Well in the end, I just took those subjects that emphasise on self-development, Japanese culture, languages, and general management subjects. And when I took Career Japanese as my job hunting preparation and we had to analyse ourself and our past, the more I know about myself,
 the more I cannot ignore the voices in my head that actually I chose a wrong major.

In fact, I never care about business profit and sales. I remember when I was in high school, I always offended my brother who landed his first job on big cigarettes company "Why would you have other people to die in order for you to make money out of it?" From that moment, I always have this tiny perspective of mine that business world have this one big priority, which is gain profit and profit, it's just they have varies of way. And ironically, I spent my last 3 and half year studying about business.
As job hunting got started last December, I went to lots of company seminars and job fairs, but for me, all of the company sounds exactly the same, they even use the same words as their goal, corporate philosophy and people they want to recruit. And all they talk about is how they want to have new employee that could help them to be leading company in Japan and/or in the world with promising profit growth for the next 5 to 10 years. To see it from business perspective,  it's totally fine to think that way, I mean, that's business and that's actually how it works in this business world.

But, I just can't ignore the fact that it makes the voices in my head even louder and louder. They are not wrong, I am the one who is not right for this industry from the first place. Instead of only focusing on corporate profit and sales, I think I am more sociable, where I care more about how the job I do, the work I do could give impact on people's life directly. How it could develop other people and be better person in the future. For me, all I want to see in the future is better human being. That's why, instead of being selected as the best employee with highest sales record, I'd rather choose to be an inspiring person. I remember when I started my first blog, I got feedback from my readers of how my writing really inspired them to do things in life. And I couldn't forget the feeling that I got when I received such a comment. Well, I guess I don't have what it takes to be a real businesswoman.

The life I've been dreaming since I was high school was simple. Well, in that time I got lots of dream, including being a movie director (or simply just a script writer), and one of them is working in publishing industry. Write article to be published, be the Editor-In-Chief after years of working and hey, start my own publishing company or my own magazine would be a really nice dream of mine. That's why I want to study more about English because come on, my English still far away from perfect and got an English Literature degree from Brown University or New York University, then have work experience in international publisher in Singapore or Aussie would be nice before finally go back to my own country. And I actually never imagined myself working in company before I came to APU. All I can think of is being an entrepreneur. Feel so weird after writing all these stuff and look at the reality in front of me, it is quite different. Well but I never say it's too late to go for my dream.

That is why I kept doubting myself these day for choosing to do job hunting in Japan. Is it really something I want? Is it really a right path to choose? Is it better for me to drop everything off and go to graduate school and majoring in English instead? Doing job hunting not only it against my family will, I started to feel the connection between working here in Japan and my future dream becomes blurry and blurry these day.

Well, it's new year and at least for now, I want to write more and more. I am preparing a new travel blog right now and try to find opportunities to be able to contribute more (in writing). And as I don't know what would be happen with my future, I always think if I happen to get office job someday, I'd like to be freelance writer on the weekend.

Life become more complicated, but interesting in the same time =)