Lesson Being Learned From the Fox

"What does that mean-- 'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."

(Source: The Little Prince)





I think I just be tamed.

素直な話としたら

遠距離恋愛。
最初にはこんな恋愛って誰でもできるじゃないかっと思ったんだよ。
お互いに同じ気持ちがしたら、何も問題ないじゃないかっと。
でも、１ヵ月以上その遠距離恋愛をしている私が遠距離ってそいう簡単な物じゃないと気づいてました。
距離。
距離。
距離。
コミュニケーション。
信頼。

一番問題になってるのはやはり距離。
会いたくても、会えない。
顔を見たくても、見られない。話し合って貰いたくても、いろいろですぐに話せない。
相手はあそこで何してるのか誰と話してるのか知らない。
貰ったニュースは本物なのか分からない。
ただ信頼しかない。
ただ強くなるしかない。
一日だけで連絡がなかったら、凄く心配になっちゃう。
大丈夫かなっと思っちゃって。
もしかして何かあったかなっと思っちゃって。ずっと不安になっちゃって。
でも、どうしようもない。
相手は凄く忙しくなって、どうしようもない。
相手は病気の時も凄く看病してあげたいのに、どうしようもない。

問題はまたあれだね。
距離。
距離。
距離。。ですね。

遠距離って物凄く辛いです。
愛情の意味が分からなくなってしまったくらい辛い。
でも、これは自分で選んだ道なので、最後まで諦めない。
。。ということですけどね。

Another Graduation Sneak Peak

"You know what? Even though I am happy to meet you here, I am still kind of regret that I had to meet you in such circumstances, where you'll staying here while I am going to leave. Isn't it nice if we are graduating together? At least we can be together a little bit longer.."

Today, for the third time, I attended APU Graduation Ceremony Spring 2013. Seeing all those red gown that reminds me a lot with High School Musical since the first time I saw it, somehow brought me back lots of memories as if it was my own graduation.

It also reminded me of your words, throughout our chats long ago. And I remember what I exactly said to you back then. While watching all of those graduating students have this bitter-sweet moment where they were happy that they finally graduate from university but sad in the same time because each of them going to go separate ways from tomorrow made me think what if it was my own graduation and we graduate together, as you said.

I might have my parents and big brother fly all way long from Indonesia to come to see me. You might wear your black suits and I might wear those Japanese Hakama and had my hair and make up done. We might take lots of pictures together and still able to sit side by side, looking at each others' face and laughing together. When they have those long boring speech? We might ended up talking about stuffs like how we met for the first time and all of those silly times we've been through all together. Somehow, I could picture it on my mind as clear as if it's going to happen for real.

However, to be honest, today's graduation made me quite scared. It's like a huge warning for me, keep reminding me that my time in APU is going to be over soon. In a blink of eyes, I am really going to be the one who wears that red gown for real. Somehow it freaks me out because I know I will never ready for it. I just wish.. time would stop for me right now.

"You know what? Even though I am happy to meet you here, I am still kind of regret that I had to meet you in such circumstances, where you'll staying here while I am going to leave. Isn't it nice if we are graduating together? At least we can be together a little bit longer.."

"No. I think how God made us meet in this kind of situation is the best for both of us. If we met as ordinary APU students, everything would be different and there will be simply no.. us."

You, Yeah.. You.

“He’ll just leave you once he got you. For a guy like him, this’ll be just another game,”
“Maybe the only reason he act like that, because he’s not in his usual environment,”
“It’s going to be over soon, I am pretty sure about that,”

Maybe the thing is because I gave you a chance.
Despite what other said about you or expect what you will do once you got me.
I chose to ignore those voices and tried to trust you, something that I never do.
I tried to believe that you’re not like those people think of.
They said those things simply because they don't know you.
And when you start to act like what they expected you to be, I started to get scared.
I am scared that those people, those voices, are actually right.
I am scared that in the end, you’ll actually disappoint me, as much as I already gave my trust to you.
And I am scared that I already fell hard for you.
And more over.. I am scared that I actually don’t know you anymore.

In the End of the Day

After all the tears and rain being left untold for the past years, finally rainbow is what I got. Instead of trying to reach something that you know will never come back to you how hard you try to reach them, it's better to learn how to take one step forward and let go of the past.

I am not sure what kind of road will be heading in front of me and how much obstacles and pains will try to break me down and tear me apart, but what I know right now, this is what I called my happy ending. 

At least for now.

In the End of the Road

Here it comes, the end of another semester. Not only it makes me sad because I am going to be a third year 2nd semester student soon, and it's only about one and a half year until I have to graduate from APU, but because in the time like this, it means time for another goodbye.

I never knew human actually has a very strong heart to bear so many goodbyes in our life. It doesn't have to be those romantic feelings that you feel extremely break when the one you love leave and you have to say goodbye, it's just, when you get to know someone, you'll start to have some connection with them, and when they are about to leave, we couldn't help it but feel lonely. I say so many goodbyes in my life before, but still, I couldn't get used to it. Realizing that those people that I might unintentionally taken them for granted, me and my egoism that thinking they will be here forever with me, will actually leave, and I don't know if I could actually meet them again after this, especially if I don't work in Japan after my graduation. I know how hard it is to try to keep in touch with people who already left here. Those promises of seeing each other someday somewhere and keeping in touch with each other until that day sounds simple, but actually it's not like that at all. Promises are just promises. Moreover, I know how it feels, waking up in the morning and realizing that those people are not here anymore.

All the goodbyes that I've known from the past made me strong, but I don't know if I could bear another goodbye. When the time like this, sometimes I wish I don't have to get to know other, you know, not being attached. Not creating the string. Maybe things will be simple in that way. Much simpler. Really.

After Weeks and Months

“

I think— I think when it’s all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know? It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories, but it just all comes back. But he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It’s not really anything he said, or anything he did. It was the feeling that came along with it. And.. crazy thing is, I don’t know if I’m ever gonna feel that way again. But I don’t know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright. But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks.. so much like an angel when he smiles at you? Maybe he knew that, when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him, it was losing me.

 

I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.

” Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble