"I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are."

2 years and 7 months living in Japan.
I think, I start losing myself once I live here.
Why I said so? Because, recently I lost my purpose of coming to Japan, and instead, I start to become something that is.. not me. I changed.

It might sound idealistic, but I was a nationalist. My love toward my own country was one of my nature, and I hold on with that idealistic principle for years. Maybe it's because I spent my school years in public school, not the private one. In public school, you'll meet so many type of people and from varies of social class as well. You can meet from the poorest kids (that could get into the school by subsidies by government) until the richest one in one exact same place. In public school.. everything is different.

Being in public school since elementary school made me know a lot of people. 
I know one fiend who live only in a small 5 x 6 m rented house where all of the family members have to sleep together in one single small room, eat and cook in the same place.
I know one friend that eat the same meal every single day because his parents simply couldn't afford to buy more than that simple meal.
I know one of my homeroom teacher who had double job as a tukang ojek (giving motorbike ride to people) and did not ashamed with it (because somehow it is considered as a low profession in society) because what he did is simply for living and for his family.
I know one friend who simply called a 700,000 rupiah (about USD 70) bag is super cheap, while she might not know that the wage of an Indonesian teacher per month is even much less than that.
I know one friend that thinks spending her summer vacation in Europe or USA every year with her family is not a big deal.
You can see how the social gap in Indonesia is so big, and if I didn't go to public school, I might won't realize all of that, all of those differences.

My own family is not from rich family either. Yes, I admit that we have enough for now, houses, cars, private drivers, maids, etc., I know that it is because my dad worked his entire life for this. We are not that kind of family who has family business for years and generations. My grandparents didn't even own any company or enterprise. They lived in countryside and even my mother's hometown doesn't have electricity in the daylight, and I am not kidding at all. Their life is so much simple, and something such as eating western food or international food is something precious for them. We are not rich people.

Knowing the social gap in Indonesia, I always wanted to make a difference. I want to see a better Indonesia. I want to help my elementary school friends to have better life. I want to see their kids, the next generation of Indonesia to be much better than before. 

That's why I came to Japan.

I said during my interview with APU, the reason why I want to study in Japan, was because I want to develop my own country so we can move on to the higher level. 
Better education system, better working environment, better living, and I was determined to learn all of that by coming to Japan. Learn Japanese culture and way of thinking, then taking the good points of Japan and try to imply it in my own country. And I wished I could see Indonesia rise up and have a better future. I had this big mission to develop my beloved country.

Then, I didn't realize since when, but I start to change. I forgot about all of that big mission I was talking about, because I found out that I really love Japan. APU changed me to be better person, and it makes me want to stay in Japan even more. I became more Japanese day by day. The way I am thinking, my manner, my attitude.. everything. And I start to feel that I won't be able to work in Indonesia because of the culture gap. I am afraid I will clash a lot with Indonesian co-workers because my mind already Japanised and   Indonesian working environment is so much different with Japanese one. I don't have enough confidence to make difference in Indonesia and I am sure it will irritate me a lot. All of sudden, I have no interest in working in Indonesia because I think Japanese society suits me better. But my family against my will and I fought with my mother a lot because of this. Well, her reason is simply because she doesn't me to be far away, though.

I love Japan so much and I think everyone who close with me knows this. But, even if I finally be able to speak Japanese fluently, understand their culture deeply, able to have good attitude and manner accordingly to the Japanese society unwritten rule, still, I will never be a Japanese. Still, I will forever be an Indonesian and also an outsider for Japanese society. I lost my own identity.

Suddenly I realize that this is not how it supposed to work. I don't want to work in Indonesia because I am afraid that I will clash with Indonesian people. I am afraid of culture gap. I am afraid of what might disappoint myself. In the end, I only thinking about myself. For my own benefits. For my own pride.

I came to Japan to find out how to develop my own country by taking experiences as much as possible and learn the positive ones, that was my purpose. If I work in Japan for my whole life, it's not only I have to leave my family forever, but who will make the difference in Indonesia? If every Indonesian students who study abroad start to stay in those countries and make a living, Indonesia will just stay the same. 

Even though I love Japan and I honestly don't want to leave here, I still have a duty as an Indonesian out there. A promise that I made to myself when I was younger to help developing my country.
Those poor people are my friends.
Those poor families are my families. 
For the sake's of my old friends. 
For the sake's of my family.
For the sake's of my own country.
Well, I know it'll break me because I have to sacrifice my own dream to live in Japan, one place in the world that I love the most. But it's much better instead of seeing other people dreams' being thrown away because of people like me.
I know, you might start to realize how nationalist I am by now. 

Japan has lots of great human resources, I can see it.
Japan doesn't need me for their country, Indonesia does.
It won't be easy to adjust and try to imply what I had learned from living in Japanese society for years. But instead of choosing the easy road over and over again, I'd rather to choose the struggling one. And try to believe even one small person can make a difference. 

That's why I decided to do job-hunting in Japan. 

Well, I'll make prioritization for those companies that can transfer me to Indonesia after several years though. Having working experience in Japanese company in Japan will give even deeper understanding of the real Japanese society, something that I couldn't get during my 4 years studying in APU. Well, I have to get permission from my mother first, though lol. 

物凄く辛い道かもしれませんが、自分で決めたものなので、全力で頑張ります！

Lesson Being Learned From the Fox

"What does that mean-- 'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."

(Source: The Little Prince)





I think I just be tamed.

素直な話としたら

遠距離恋愛。
最初にはこんな恋愛って誰でもできるじゃないかっと思ったんだよ。
お互いに同じ気持ちがしたら、何も問題ないじゃないかっと。
でも、１ヵ月以上その遠距離恋愛をしている私が遠距離ってそいう簡単な物じゃないと気づいてました。
距離。
距離。
距離。
コミュニケーション。
信頼。

一番問題になってるのはやはり距離。
会いたくても、会えない。
顔を見たくても、見られない。話し合って貰いたくても、いろいろですぐに話せない。
相手はあそこで何してるのか誰と話してるのか知らない。
貰ったニュースは本物なのか分からない。
ただ信頼しかない。
ただ強くなるしかない。
一日だけで連絡がなかったら、凄く心配になっちゃう。
大丈夫かなっと思っちゃって。
もしかして何かあったかなっと思っちゃって。ずっと不安になっちゃって。
でも、どうしようもない。
相手は凄く忙しくなって、どうしようもない。
相手は病気の時も凄く看病してあげたいのに、どうしようもない。

問題はまたあれだね。
距離。
距離。
距離。。ですね。

遠距離って物凄く辛いです。
愛情の意味が分からなくなってしまったくらい辛い。
でも、これは自分で選んだ道なので、最後まで諦めない。
。。ということですけどね。

Another Graduation Sneak Peak

"You know what? Even though I am happy to meet you here, I am still kind of regret that I had to meet you in such circumstances, where you'll staying here while I am going to leave. Isn't it nice if we are graduating together? At least we can be together a little bit longer.."

Today, for the third time, I attended APU Graduation Ceremony Spring 2013. Seeing all those red gown that reminds me a lot with High School Musical since the first time I saw it, somehow brought me back lots of memories as if it was my own graduation.

It also reminded me of your words, throughout our chats long ago. And I remember what I exactly said to you back then. While watching all of those graduating students have this bitter-sweet moment where they were happy that they finally graduate from university but sad in the same time because each of them going to go separate ways from tomorrow made me think what if it was my own graduation and we graduate together, as you said.

I might have my parents and big brother fly all way long from Indonesia to come to see me. You might wear your black suits and I might wear those Japanese Hakama and had my hair and make up done. We might take lots of pictures together and still able to sit side by side, looking at each others' face and laughing together. When they have those long boring speech? We might ended up talking about stuffs like how we met for the first time and all of those silly times we've been through all together. Somehow, I could picture it on my mind as clear as if it's going to happen for real.

However, to be honest, today's graduation made me quite scared. It's like a huge warning for me, keep reminding me that my time in APU is going to be over soon. In a blink of eyes, I am really going to be the one who wears that red gown for real. Somehow it freaks me out because I know I will never ready for it. I just wish.. time would stop for me right now.

"You know what? Even though I am happy to meet you here, I am still kind of regret that I had to meet you in such circumstances, where you'll staying here while I am going to leave. Isn't it nice if we are graduating together? At least we can be together a little bit longer.."

"No. I think how God made us meet in this kind of situation is the best for both of us. If we met as ordinary APU students, everything would be different and there will be simply no.. us."

You, Yeah.. You.

“He’ll just leave you once he got you. For a guy like him, this’ll be just another game,”
“Maybe the only reason he act like that, because he’s not in his usual environment,”
“It’s going to be over soon, I am pretty sure about that,”

Maybe the thing is because I gave you a chance.
Despite what other said about you or expect what you will do once you got me.
I chose to ignore those voices and tried to trust you, something that I never do.
I tried to believe that you’re not like those people think of.
They said those things simply because they don't know you.
And when you start to act like what they expected you to be, I started to get scared.
I am scared that those people, those voices, are actually right.
I am scared that in the end, you’ll actually disappoint me, as much as I already gave my trust to you.
And I am scared that I already fell hard for you.
And more over.. I am scared that I actually don’t know you anymore.

In the End of the Day

After all the tears and rain being left untold for the past years, finally rainbow is what I got. Instead of trying to reach something that you know will never come back to you how hard you try to reach them, it's better to learn how to take one step forward and let go of the past.

I am not sure what kind of road will be heading in front of me and how much obstacles and pains will try to break me down and tear me apart, but what I know right now, this is what I called my happy ending. 

At least for now.

In the End of the Road

Here it comes, the end of another semester. Not only it makes me sad because I am going to be a third year 2nd semester student soon, and it's only about one and a half year until I have to graduate from APU, but because in the time like this, it means time for another goodbye.

I never knew human actually has a very strong heart to bear so many goodbyes in our life. It doesn't have to be those romantic feelings that you feel extremely break when the one you love leave and you have to say goodbye, it's just, when you get to know someone, you'll start to have some connection with them, and when they are about to leave, we couldn't help it but feel lonely. I say so many goodbyes in my life before, but still, I couldn't get used to it. Realizing that those people that I might unintentionally taken them for granted, me and my egoism that thinking they will be here forever with me, will actually leave, and I don't know if I could actually meet them again after this, especially if I don't work in Japan after my graduation. I know how hard it is to try to keep in touch with people who already left here. Those promises of seeing each other someday somewhere and keeping in touch with each other until that day sounds simple, but actually it's not like that at all. Promises are just promises. Moreover, I know how it feels, waking up in the morning and realizing that those people are not here anymore.

All the goodbyes that I've known from the past made me strong, but I don't know if I could bear another goodbye. When the time like this, sometimes I wish I don't have to get to know other, you know, not being attached. Not creating the string. Maybe things will be simple in that way. Much simpler. Really.